A Shit Short Story.

Bath Salts.
Not Even Once.

 “Jesus Christ! What are we going to do? Joey? JOEY! For fuck sake answer me! I’m freaking out here! Oh God.” I could hear what she was saying but my mouth was too dry to answer her. His blood was everywhere. “Joey please, what are we going to do? Matty, Matty can you hear me” The fear and panic was evident in her voice. I couldn’t look away from his bloody shirt, his blood streaming steadily down his ribs. Her helpless wringing of hands and excessive crying wasn’t helping anyone, especially not Matt. How could this have happened? It was just a harmless prank. 

 “Did you guys hear about the guy on the news? He was convicted for eating some guy because he was on bath salts or something. Yeah Rudy Eugene, this homeless guy, he ate another homeless guy. I didn’t realise they were that desperate for food.” 

“Matty stop, that’s mean”

“What? It’s true, check the news, it’s all over the internet. Now the whole town is freaking out over a zombie apocalypse or something.”

“I have a plan if there ever is a zombie apocalypse” I said. I was very bored last summer, my mother made me visit my grandmother up state. While there I drew out a huge plan. I kept it in my bedside drawer. I reached into the drawer and produced my big A2 Zombie Plan. I was very proud of it, it was colour coded. Matt snapped the plan out of my hand, scoffed and threw it in the bin. 

“I have something better than your little nerd plan. If it’s a zombie apocalypse they fear then I say we give them a Zombie apocalypse.”

“Oh yeah? And how do you suppose we do that?” I asked retrieving my plan from the bin. 

“Simple, we get a bunch of clothes rip them up, cover them in fake blood, do a little bit of zombie make-up and TA-DA we’re the walking dead.” 

 “Matty, we’re trying to figure out what to do, just relax okay? Just keep your eyes open it’s okay, it’s all going to be okay. JOEY for the love of God do something.” What exactly did she want me to do? Take the bullets out of his shoulder like a game of operation? I ripped off the sleeve of my shirt and tied it around his shoulder, hopefully this would stop the blood loss.  Matt’s screaming didn’t stop. “You’re hurting him Joey stop it, Joey please stop, stop Joey.” “KIM, SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU’RE NOT HELPING ANYONE.” Sure it was mean but it did stop her crying. “Look, you stay here with Matt, I’m going to go and look around this warehouse for a first aid kit or something. Keep his head elevated and do not, for the love of god tweet about this.” 

“Okay are we ready?” 

“Ready.”

“Good, now I’ll emerge from the bushes first, then Kim you follow me. Joey get all of this on Camera.” 

Our first target was a couple of guys playing basketball in the park. Matt slowly emerged from the bushes making - what I can only describe as stubbing your toe first thing in the morning - sounds. The guys looked at him slowly shuffle towards them. Then Kim emerged. They started to back away and once Matt started getting faster and closer they began to run. Matt was gaining on them, wailing. Finally they were out of sight. 

“That was awesome, you get all of that on tape?” 

“Yeah, looks real good.”

“I know. Now quick I think I saw some guys down the side alley beside the diner.” 

 The old warehouse was used to store furniture, I don’t know why I thought I’d find a first aid box, I just needed to get away from Kim. “Matty, it’s going to be alright Joey is gone to look for a first aid box, it’ll be okay.” His heavy breathing was beginning to slow down. She lifted his head onto her lap and began to cradle it. Most likely suffocated him further. Her eyes were caught by a small plastic bag sticking out of his pocket. She reached down for the bag and examined to contents. Bath salts. She began to cry again, when she heard my footsteps coming closer she hide the bath salts in her shoe. “Matty, why would you take bath salts? Why would you do that?” his lips began to move as if he was about to tell her. She moved in closer to hear his faint whisper. “MATTY-”

 “Great they’re still here, this will be perfect.” 

“Matty I’m not sure about this, this guys seem a little rough.”

“Yeah Matt, come on it was funny the first time but-”

“BUT WHAT, we’re doing it again, it’s hilarious. Besides, these jackasses deserve this. Start recording, I mean it Joey, start recording.” He began to shuffle towards them again. Like before, they slowly started to retreat. Matt began to get faster and faster. There were about seven of them. Matt began hissing and moaning like a zombie. They started to run, or at least six of them did. One of the smaller ones, stood still, he kept staring a Matt. He reached around into his back pocket. Matt kept shuffling, getting closer. He began to follow the others and then he pulled out a small gun. Panicking he shot twice. “Matty!” We ran towards him. “He was a zombie, he was going to bite of my face.” “He’s not a fucking zombie it was all just a prank” “Matty, Matty are you okay” We looked up and the boy was gone, in his place as the small silver gun. 

 I could hear Kim screaming in the distance. “Kim? Kim are you alright?” I yelled out running towards her. I finally reached where they had been lying. There was Kim lying on the floor where Matt was. He was ripping her to shreds. He was like a wolf terrorising it’s prey. I tried to back away slowly, but then he looked up. Shit. I started to run as fast as I can through the warehouse. It was so dark I couldn’t remember the way out. I could hear him running after me, blood thirsty. Jesus Christ what was happening? I hid between some of the furniture, praying he wouldn’t find me. Had his sense of smell developed like a wolf too? Apparently. He ran towards me screaming. Fuck. I needed to kill him and I needed to do it fast. As he ran behind me I began to look for things to kill him with. “Think, what kills zombies? If this was a game of Call of Duty I’d have my grenades and shot gun. Stop thinking of that it isn’t helping, this is really happening! Think think think. Something heavy or sharp. Perfect.” 

 I switched on the lights grabbed a box cutter and began to climb the mountain of boxes. I hate heights. He was getting closer. “I really hope this works” He grabbed my leg, I kicked him in the face. “Ha! Take that zombitch!” He spat out a load of blood and screamed louder. Oh shit. He was right on my tail. This was it. My only chance. I stood at the top of the boxes and tried not to look down. He was in front of me now, smiling in a sick and demented way. He shuffled closer, laughing. Without thinking I charged towards him pushing him off the side. He pulled me with him. We hit the ground hard, I used him to break my fall. I pushed my thumb into his gun wound. He screamed and swung at me. I began stabbing him with the box cutter again and again and again, until finally, he couldn’t take another breath. I wiped his blood of my face and began to limp back to Kim. 

 When I reached where she had been lying there was a large pool of blood with foot prints and an empty plastic bag. Suddenly everything was pitch black again I was standing in darkness. I heard a scream in the distance. 

“You got to be fucking kidding me.”

-Blog This.